The Things He Says

Yesterday was quite an odd one when it comes to things DT says. Although most days when we speak he spews something odd.

In the course of one day he said the following:

Life With No Regrets

It is so easy to start looking back and thinking that I made wrong choices along the way, and lets face it, I really have from time to time. However, every one of those choices have molded and shaped me into who I am today. I just have to remember that. Granted some days I feel completely broken, those days are not frequent now.

Mostly I feel like a ripe apple. A little bruised here and there, maybe a couple dings, but in general still pretty good. I do question my head from time to time. Mental issues run in my family, and sometimes I wonder about myself… but only once a month. So I chalk it up to being a female and move along for a few more good weeks. Last week was my week. It sucked, from start to finish. Head games I played with myself, rampant stupid thoughts, too many of them verbalized, but once again, I move along and forward.

I can’t keep looking back. I am moving forward, and today is a good day.

Renewable Energy Source

If I can somehow bottle up the crazy and plain old douche bag comments that come from DT I bet I could solve the energy crisis.

He has been trying to play my girls against me. Last night he told them that he would go after full custody in a divorce and that they would live with him. This had the girls terrified and this evening I had to sit down with them and tell them that yes we are getting divorced, but that they would continue to live with me.

Willing To Take Me Back

Yeah, you read that right. DT told me that he was willing to take me back. Of course he put conditions on this. I would have to give up all forms of social media and my friends. He would consider letting me still have lunch dates with Ginja, but it would only be a consideration.

How benevolent of him. HE will take ME back. Ironic since I don’t want him back, nor am I the offender in all of our craziness. He said that two people in a marriage have to rely solely on one another for every one of their mental, social, emotional, and physical needs for a relationship to work. Which I think is total bull crap. Not to mention we no longer have a marriage. I told him that I wasn’t interested in getting back together with him, to which he responded, “just think about it”.

Getting Out of My Head

I find myself all too often getting wrapped up in my own head. I am focusing on the what if’s and taking on stupid guilt that I have no business hanging on to. The remedy is distance. Distance from DT, specifically.

I ignored his texts yesterday and it was so freeing. I have to drop the kids off at his house this afternoon. I will not be going into his house. I will not be talking with him outside. I have to have mental space, or else I tend to go down a depressed path. Not because I want to be with him. Not at all, but because I am an analyzer by nature, and to save my life I can’t figure him out.

Chugging Along on the Crazy Train

DT dropped the boys off here this morning until the girls get off school and then they will all go back to his house this afternoon to spend the night and tomorrow. While he was here we had, yet another, interesting conversation that left me shaking my head in disbelief.

Let me preface this by saying DT is in his 40’s and a big guy. As in really big linebacker type dude, without the same fitness levels as a linebacker. He has also started smoking since he moved out and is up to a pack a day, roughly. He also is a lucrative business owner, and runs a company that makes a very nice income and it requires a significant time dedication to keeping it running smoothly. He has had this ego trip where he wants to be a cop, and has wanted to do so for a few years now. He has tossed around the idea, but never being able to come up with a way for it to be plausible for a couple years. I have always been pretty against it. He even bought a cop vehicle and outfitted it with lights and a push bar, so he looks like a cop when he drives around.

He asks if we can sit down because he has something he needs to tell me. I agree, with trepidation, thinking, “what now?”

He looks at me, and starts tearing up, and I filled with dread. He is going to unveil more horrible things he has done in our marriage and I will have to listen to them and not react. Not quite. I said, “C’mon, spit it out, what do you need to say?”

He said, “I have been thinking about it a lot and I have direction from God that I need to go through the police academy. I feel like I need to be a positive witness to cops. So many officers need someone to mentor them biblically and I am the person who should should set the biblical example for them. I have been praying that if I am supposed to go to the academy God will make me physically capable of completing all of the requirements and runs and climbs.”

I just looked at him, again with my jaw dropped. You would think he would be used to that look on my face by now.

So I said, “Wow. ok, so are you doing anything to get into shape to complete the physical requirements?” He has led a quite sedentary office life for as long as I have known him. He replied back, “No, God will just make it happen.”

I then said, “Is this something you already signed up for?” Apparently the orientation is on Monday to get the ins and outs of the 11 month program. He plans on going an hour away from his house 8-12:30 every morning M-F, and then coming home and running his business from 2-5 and he thinks he will still maintain the same income level as he has now.  He doesn’t want to be a cop full time, he actually wants to be one as a reserve officer, which is basically a volunteer cop, but he has to complete the academy to do so.

I just said to him, “I am not sure what you want me to say? I don’t feel like I have the room to dictate what you want to do with your life.” Which roughly translates to: I don’t really care what you do now, and I am trying to tell you not to bug me about my life.

So this very large man, who is out of shape, smokes a lot, and has a business to run thinks he can now go into the police academy  and thinks everything will just fall into place.  Not to mention he really doesn’t have any room to mentor anyone right now on how they should properly live their lives.

I have been against from day one and for someone who is supposedly trying to win me back, this seems like a strange way of doing it. I have definitely seen a trend of him tossing God in whenever he doesn’t want something he is doing, or has done, to be questioned. As though it would make me not ask or say anything if he says “God”. I definitely think it threw him for a loop when my only response was about not dictating his life.

So, y’all wave as he rides past on the crazy train, I am really starting to think he may be the conductor!

Got a Little Crazy Showing

My list of crazy questions:

How can I be a fairly rational person and have crazy thoughts sometimes?

How can I let DT guilt trip me into feeling like life would maybe actually be easier if I just took him back?

How can I stress so much about something that I know I do not want to have happen?

How can I feel sorry for him?

How can I cry so much in one stupid day over worries that probably will never come to pass?

How can I rein in my emotions on these crazy thought days?