Life in dragging on mode gets old quick. I am sitting here feeling like everything is on pause. The divorce is still underway, I hired a new attorney, just the right time and right line up of stars made it all happen. Hopefully it is over with sooner rather than later.
I can already feel that this post will be quite disjointed and random, so bear with me.
The big kids are struggling with the divorce. My oldest is acting out, my middle one is getting emotional. They don’t like the chaos of going from one house to the next. Not much I can do about that though.
DT asked if we could get over “our little problem” and me let him move back in. Never happening.
There are plenty of good things in my life still too! I am not all maudlin and depressed! Just in pause mode.
I spoke with a girlfriend about this last night. Thankfully she was able to have me in stitches laughing which helped my stress levels diminish greatly. When I get overwhelmed I tend to hermit up. I have been overwhelmed, to say the least, for 10 months now, and have officially entered into hermit mode. I will pop back out of it at some point, as I am known to do. Just have to get through the crazy phase (as if it hasn’t ALL been crazy). I have an excellent support system, as I mention often.
I am staying busy with a new blogging adventure, but I won’t forget this one. The other is simply something to do as a distraction from my real life, and something I have wanted to do for ages. Here is where I can open up about the deep stuff. Although when in hermit mode I tend to not do that as much.
Tomorrow will be a big hurdle for me. I will get through it. This week is also the week for petitioning for a court date for the divorce. I am ready to be in the next phase of my life. I have declared this the year of the peacock. New beginnings, I just have to wade through some old stuff. I feel like I have dog crap stuck in the tread of my shoes. I walked through a huge pile of it in 2013, and there is still some there. I am doing my best to remove it though.
The kids are doing well. My 13 year old has the usual teenage angst, coupled with the stress of DT and I’s impending divorce. I am trying my best to reduce the ramifications as much as possible. The 9 year old is my quiet bottle it up kid, she puts on a good show, but she hurts inside. The twins have entered the year of the bleed. Rough housing two year olds make for interesting stain removal trials and a lot of boo-boo kissing.
As for me… I am doing good. Self doubt creeps in. This whole single parent thing can be overwhelming at times. I haven’t moved yet, although I would love to move close to my mom and the rest of her side of the family, DT has already let me know that he would be a bit of a prick about the extra 5 miles inside the next county, so we will see. It will happen, just a matter of timing. One step at a time. I have managed all this crap for this long, what is a little bit longer? My new normal continues to evolve. Some people have disappeared from my life, some people have become very important to me. It all works somehow.
I said 2014… Telling myself 2014 for 9 months got me to this point.. now I am telling myself June… Just get to June. I can do it, shorter goal.
Almost. I avoided posting here for a few weeks. My kids have been gone through Christmas, across the country with DT. I holed up at my moms house and I am so glad they will all be home tomorrow. This holiday season has been overwhelming, wonderful, and mentally challenging.
I was blessed to have my sista-girl come to town. Blessed to spend the time with my family. Blessed to have a great friend who cheered me up through the whole holiday season, and continues to cheer me up.
I am so thankful that this is 2014! I am keeping busy with a new blog, figuring out logistics, and trying to laugh everyday. I have exciting things happening this year. It has officially been declared the year of the peacock!
Emotionally I feel swamped. I feel like I am looking down the tunnel of even more change and, quite frankly, it scares the daylights out of me.
I have to move. I have to change the girls schools. I have to get a job of some sort. I have to spend Christmas without my kids. I have to attempt to condense a 3,000 sqft house into whatever I can find that is significantly cheaper. I have to get this house in order to be shown with four kids, two being toddler twin boys. I have to figure out a vehicle, thankfully DT and I lived debt free with the exception of our cars and house, but I can’t afford the big fancy SUV on my own. So I have to figure that out, all while praying that DT gives me grocery money for the kids each week, which certainly hasn’t been happening. Continue reading →
In my very small world one of the greatest pleasures I get comes from receiving mail. I adore getting something in the mail. Now of course I don’t mean bills and advertisements, I mean notes, cards, letters. Don’t even get me started on packages! I get excited when I know a free sample of something is being shipped to me, much less something I have bought that is coming. See, I told you, I am quite easily pleased and/or amused.
However, right now I am awaiting a package, and it has me so stinking excited I almost can’t stand it. It is only driving me more nuts that the clues I have gotten have told me nothing, but have completely intrigued me! So, again, I wait with bated breath for the mail lady to come down my street and slip something into my mailbox!
In both directions it holds a significance for me. In the future it will be the day the kids leave to travel with DT across the country for Christmas. They will be gone two weeks. Two long weeks. I am not looking forward to that.
In the reverse it marks the day one of the closest friendships I have ever had was forever changed. I haven’t spoken about this and don’t plan on saying much here now. It is strange and hard to wrap your head around having that person that you knew you could count on day in and day out suddenly gone from your life. Continue reading →
I have had a number of conversations lately with EG about this exact thing and we have come to the conclusion that the word “why” should just be banned when it comes to attempting to figure out people’s actions.
I think we focus too much on trying to figure other people out when there really is no reasonable and rational explanation for their absurd behavior. Which rolls us into trying to take the blame or fault for something we don’t understand because we are reasonable and rational people. Continue reading →
I have to look for the silver lining to my kids being gone across the country for the entire Christmas break. Rather than focusing on how upset I may be in 18 days when they leave I will focus on the positives I can find, no matter how trivial they may seem. Continue reading →